Bad Things
Bad things happen to everyone. No one escapes unscathed. We all scrape knees and some break bones. We get illnesses and suffer losses. These all feel bad. Terrible even. The question isn’t whether or not bad or painful experiences will cross our paths, but how we will deal with them— metabolize them.
My son had a seizure last week. In fact he had one and then 20 minutes later another. It was disturbing and painful to see my strong self possessed son, dispossessed of himself. I felt utterly sad, angry, and helpless. Pain.
Making matters worse, when he felt the first seizure coming on he was holding my 8-month old granddaughter. I watched him start to lose himself, seemingly in slow motion. With the presence of mind and superhuman love he feels for his niece, he tried to put her down before completely losing consciousness and control. He almost made it. But with her about two feet from the ground she fell from his seizing hands. My husband dodged behind my son to break his fall and support his thrashing body. I scooped up my granddaughter, fighting the urge to blame myself for not being quicker and better able to help her or my son. I know this is an irrational reaction AND not helpful. That’s the nature of blame— never helpful and quite different from taking responsibility which is empowering.
911 was called immediately and my son and granddaughter were transported to the nearest emergency room with pediatric support. My son was stabilized and is doing physically well, scheduled to see his neurologist on Monday. Emotionally, he is grappling to recover from his own irrational guilt, and rational anger and pain. My granddaughter, after being assessed was found to have a fracture on the back of her skull. She and my daughter were transported to UCLA’s pediatric intensive care unit where they also have specialists in pediatric neurology. My daughter-in-law and I followed the ambulance at 3 o’clock in the morning at that point, and stayed for the 2-day hospitalization with them.
I learned a lot from my granddaughter during our hospital stay. She cried when she felt pain and fear. I heard and felt the rage in her cry as if to say, “Quit poking!” or the terror, “what are you doing to me, friend or foe, I don’t understand!” But as soon as she was left alone she wanted to nurse or play or dance. She was so in the present. She did not linger on that what was happening was scary or painful, and she also hasn’t learned to push away her feelings, resist, or deny them. She just feels.
She is doing well emotionally and physically today. She is a funny little girl with huge cheeks and glittery wise eyes. All the hospital staff fell in love with her. All the observation went well and we were released with a healthy happy baby to go home.
This event was painful, frightening at times, and profoundly frustrating. I felt sad, angry, and helpless. I also felt grateful, hopeful and a lot of love. Late on the first night in the hospital I thought about something my Mother taught me, and have recently come across anew from Hal Elrod in his book, The Miracle Equation. They both encourage taking a set amount of time to feel your feelings— to cry, rage, rock, shake, whatever. Elrod says take five or ten minutes, Mom says not more than half an hour. There’s a line though, where grief and working through can become wallowing and obsessional. It’s important to feel, and it’s important to then go on and develop resilience. I cried. At 4:15 a.m. when my daughter, her wife, and the baby fell asleep, I wept for ten minutes. It felt awful and wonderful. And then I thought about why I was crying. I thought about how the day was done and complete, and tomorrow would be a new day. And before slipping off into the sleep afforded by total fatigue, I thought about how tomorrow would be better. And it was.
No one loves adversity. We don’t welcome it with clapping hands and say, “oh joy, I’m so happy to have the opportunity to suffer pain and, or loss.” We do, however, get to grow and expand our capacity to live and love as we negotiate adversity. We get to develop our resilience and ability to master our experiences. I can’t undo what happened. I can’t take away my son’s pain or my granddaughter’s trauma. But I can metabolize them— take it all in, not resisting, and feel it all and think and take positive action. I can use my ability for self love, thought, and compassion and direct it not only toward myself, but toward them in service of their healing and growth. And so can you. We cannot escape pain in life, but we can learn to use it and grow in the face of it.
Action Items in the face of Adversity:
Breathe, slowly and intentionally
Allow yourself to cry, rage, and feel whatever you feel, but limit your time- 5 to 30 minutes.
Pain can last for extended periods of time, so each day you wake up with pain allow yourself that 5 to 30 minutes to feel it and deal with it.
Accept that you’ve experienced what you can for today with your pain, and distinguish what you are committed to and creating going forward- what can you do now, today?
Take action that fulfills on what your commitments are.
Keep a journal and take only five minutes to record your thoughts, feelings, commitments or list whatever you are grateful for.
Reach out- to family, friends, or for professional help
Repeat!